SOPHIE TOULOUSE CONTACT NEWS ARCHIVE ILLUSTRATION
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Writings and Visuals
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Geography
The Island of the NOA is the only landmass on earth that geologically formed in the shape of an almost geometrically perfect square. Because of this apparent oddity, and since its discovery in 1970, arguments over its natural plausibility and evolution have flourished in scientific journals the world over. Some skeptics have maintained that because of the Nation Of Angela’s unique shape the island must be, in fact, man-made. Still, even skeptics cannot agree on how even this may have happened, for there is simply no precedent for a man-made landmass of this kind. The fact that the island apparently was not “discovered” until 1970 has also led to skepticism. Angela, with the approval of all of the NOA, has repeatedly invited International teams of leading geologists, meteorologists, paleontologists, and oceanographers to research the islands minerals, wildlife, and the indigenous species of animal and plants life unknown to the rest of the world.
In 1996, an International team of scientist led by the esteemed Jean de Heinzelin de Brancourt, of Belgium (Whose previous work included the discovery of the very odd Ishango bone* in the Belgian Congo in 1960). Brancourt’s team made several astounding discoveries, indeed, unprecedented geological phenomenons unseen anywhere in the natural world. However, Brancourt’s death in 1998 has slowed the processing of many of these discoveries as scientists from the far corners of the world have continued to argue over access to the all the research uncovered during the two years of whirlwind testing, measuring, and dissecting of the empirical evidence, as some nations lay claim to various pieces of the original research data. Still, much has come to light, and undoubtly there will be more to come.
Before Brancourt passed away, several statements where made to world media which suggest the magnitude of the potential studies being conducted on the NOA.
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience”
-National Geographic, Oct 1997 “NOA and the double monolith.”
“Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and the gravity of the NOA, we shall harness the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.”
-Scientific American, Nov 1998 “Twin Volcanoes, and the NOA”
The Island of the NOA is roughly a perfect square measuring 20.3 kilometers in both length and width. In the center of the island stand yet another, nearly square, monolith soaring to a height of 752 metres, 1.9 kilometres long, and 1.2 kilometers wide. Angela, not know for superstitious or flashy names, dubbed the monolith, simply Monolith 01. Whether such a landmass could have been created naturally, through evolution, is still an ongoing debate. On one hand, proponents of the natural evolutionary theory point to the fact that it would likely be more difficult, if not entirely impossible, using current technology, for man to have created such an island. Others, skeptics of the natural theories, argue that the island is “too perfect” to have been made either by man, nor evolution, and that there must be, in this case, evidence of some sort of intelligent design.
What is known, for now, we can only glean from the released research, conducted by the Brancourt team, which hypotheses are as follows.
01 TRIPLET HOT SPOT VOLCANIC ACTIVITY
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Unlike other Volcanic Islands, often formed over what is generally called a Hot Spot, volcanoes which often have long rift zones that radiate from summit caldera, along which smaller vents and fizzures occur. The island of the NOA was apparently formed at a confluence, or vortex, of two or more Hot Spots positioned in such a way that as they evolved, during the shield building stage, large volumes of fluid, tholeiitic lava, fire fountains and surface flows of pahoehoe. Typically, as the volcano ages and moves away from the Hot Spot, the magma fractionates and eruptions of the post-shield stage contain more alkalic lavas. In these cases the summits become peppered with smaller cinder and spatter cones. The final eruptive phase is the rejuvenated phase. The lavas are strongly alkalic and the eruptions are often violent and build more steep sided cones of layered ash and pyroclastic debris. However, in the case of the NOA, the multitude of several Hot Spots, it has been speculated, resulted not in conical shapes, but instead a convergence of these elements resulting in the rising from the sea of a large, and flat landmass. Indeed, the square shape of the NOA is a near geological masterpiece of evolutions often-bizarre occurrences. Over the ensuing 80 million years, the shores of the NOA, like many tropical paradises, have evolved into fine volcanic black sand beaches.
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02 THE NOA MONOLITH
Brancourt hypothesized that the monolith, which lies at the center of the island of the NOA, must have simply been a continuation of the same volcanic processes that created the square island in the first place. In essence, the cancellation caused by the convergence of volcanic activity, the friction and heat of which, caused this “second mass” of volcanic ash and lava to rise in the abrasive center of the Hot Spot convergence. Indeed, the Monolith itself has been subject to less research than other geological aspects of the island, as Angela herself has decreed:
“The Monolith exists, it is right over there, I can see no question as the factuality of this.”
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03 WILDLIFE SPECIES
The majority of plants, insects, snails and birds inhabiting the NOA before Angela arrived are found nowhere else in the world. The A’o ‘Iwa bird, a flightless seabird that most resembles a Pacific Golden Plover in attitude, is perhaps the most spectacular. Though flightless, the A’o ‘Iwa sports a massive black wingspan which can measure 5 meters in the length (many scientists speculate that the “flightlessness” of this species is in fact by choice, as opposed to an inability to fly*) The breast plate of this enormous, and beautiful creature, is of a pinkish red plumage, which is often puffed up by the bird to ward off unwanted visitors. The color of this incredible bird is so resonating; it is used in the NOA flag. The bountiful fruits and vegetation along the four coasts of the NOA allow the A’o ‘Iwa to simply loiter about, perhaps at great feasts, or even small picnics taken by NOA citizens on holidays. They simply waddle directly up to the buffet and with their long curved beaks; take what they would like to eat.
Another species, the Singing Kookaburra, is a large noisy bird with a distinctive call that sounds like human laughter, mixed with song. Up to 47 cm long, and weighing approx 0.5 kg, the bill can reach more than 15cm. The Singing Kookaburra is a carnivore, lives in groups, and has life spans of often 50 years or more. Angela, delighted with laughter herself, made the Singing Kookaburra the nation bird of the NOA in 1971.
The Blue Emperor butterfly, with is iridescent blue-green fringed with black coloring, is a favorite of the NOA. Its wingspan of approx 14cm is among the largest of any know butterfly, and the citizens of the NOA rejoice in the spring, when the Blue Emperors emerge from their caterpillar state (green, with a white stripe across the front, a white underside, rows of large white spots along the top, and a white spike on the rear). As the males of the species are attracted to most blue objects (mistaking them for females) most NOA citizens refrain from wearing the color blue during the Blue Emperor season, as the butterfly is quite tenacious in its amorous advances.
* Many more species can be found in the Great Book of NOA Creatures 01.
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04 CLIMATE
Precipitation on the NOA is both adequate and reliable (apart from upon the highland Monolith, upon which no rain falls at all). From a thermal standpoint, a mesothermal regime prevails, with cool, but not cold, winters and warm, but not hot, summers. For this reason, fluctuations in fashionable wear on the island are only incremental.
05 NOA CITY
Any traveler approaching the NOA can easily see NOA CITY 01, situated at the Southwestern corner of the island. From the air, especially at night, the city resembles a shimmering diamond; it’s rooftops reflecting the moonlight. When approached from the sea, it appears just beyond the black volcanic beaches, shaded in palm trees and floral colors of an almost euphoric mesmerizing quality. Angela and the first NOA citizens designed the city to have no actual functionality in the common sense of the world’s architectural and urban planning. That is not to say it is haphazardly designed, but instead, that it is flexibly designed, and ever changing. Grand Boulevards transform into pedestrian shopping malls seemingly overnight. The Great Plaza, with its enormous fountains is often flooded in order to create and almost Venetian feel to the city itself, as the citizens swim and boat around. The City Center can be described as a virtual maze of decorative streets, small shops, alleys and tiled walkways. Often, citizens awake to find a new, secret, passage or street, connecting new areas to one another in an endless series of quiet construction and reconstruction. Angela has said, “NOA CITY 01 is alive, it shall never be finished, and it shall never be stasis.” No repeat visitor finds the city exactly the same. Such is the NOA, where the past it grasped, the future temporary and always unknowable, and the present, nothing but earthly delight.
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CHAPTER01. Angela & the NOA
The Sky Cannot Have Two Suns, Angela Is The Only One*
Many a foreign dignitary or diplomatic leader has been swept away, literally, off his or her feet, by the spectacle of Angela and the celebration of the NOA on occasions of international visits. The first thing the dignitary sees is a beaming thirty-foot portrait of Angela herself at the start of the wide boulevard that sweeps into NOA City 1 from the airport. In those very mornings ‘NOA Times’ there has likely been a proclamation declaring the foreign dignitary to be one of great importance, a giant of the times. Angela is on his or her side, against all comers, extravagant. A huge papier-mâché of Angela heads the float in the procession as it heads down the boulevard.
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Angela’s hands forlornly reach out as if to touch the millions of dancing colored balloons that fill the sky.
The foreigner’s spirits sour with the balloons.
10,000 Years To The Nation of Angela
The Sky Cannot Have Two Suns, Angela is The Only One
These are the messages spread across banners hung far and wide.
This is the new style of revolution, materialistic anarchy; the present moment it real, but what lies ahead is also real.
Respect the Past, Grasp the Future.
All of the citizens of the NOA line the streets to greet the procession; some boasting slogans of the new revolutionary state on buttons, banners and T-shirts: ‘You, Baby, What the Hell Do You Know?’ as well as other NOA slogans such as ‘Talent is Being Able To Sell What You Are Feeling!’ ‘The Only Things Worse Than Watching a Bad Movie is Being In One!’ (For as the ideology goes in the NOA, the movie is real, it is real life) or the more scientific slogan, ‘Germs have no superstition and are full of energy!’
Marching bands of what appear to be militarized cheerleaders of glamour sing and dance:
The Citizens of NOA chant:
“We shall teach the sun and moon to change places,
We shall create a new heaven and earth for man,
The achievements of a single night surpass those of several millennia…”
An evening of Euphoria gives way to a morning of dismay!
The Nation, Angela, nothing in our way!”
The foreign dignitary cannot help but be impressed, and more than that, the celebration is intended to feed the diplomat with a greater sense of his or her own self-importance. Angela knows all: These slogans represent her power, the power of a new nation, the Nation of Angela. And Angela is no stranger to the use of glory and flattery, as the major language of international dialogue.
The procession arrives at the main oval of NOA CITY 01> Angela and her guest climb the stairs to the platform, and before the podium, she intones into a booming surround sound system: “Nothing is hard in this world if you dare to scale the heights!” The people of the NOA rejoice in this message and sing, in unison, the NOA Anthem 02:
We must overcome
The Kingdom of Hell
And liberate
All the little devils!
“Love Angela & do what you like,” she continues, and turns the podium over to the Situation Minister, as is the practice when introducing the now gleaming and melting dignitary. “Let the people of the world learn from Angela,” the Minister says, “and let Angela learn from the people of the world!” The Minister introduces the foreign dignitary, who by this point, is beyond loss for words. What they say is usually very positive, but often shallow, and yet still, the revolution of the NOA does not heckle. They simply listen, with welcoming smiles.
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PT 2
Reports from returning foreign diplomats vary about what happens “behind the scenes” after this grand welcome. It has been reported that Angela might take the visitor to the airfield and dazzle them with a display of the NOA Army Air Force, planes streaming banners and flying wild patterns like exotic birds in flight. Another report claimed that Angela herself only speaks in NOA “baby talk” during the official meetings between heads of foreign states, a practice that has been both criticized, and lauded as a way of simply “getting directly to the point of needs and desires, as translated in the speech of beautiful infants.”
(To be continued***)
CHAPTER02. The History of No History on the NOA
01 The definition of Truth: -noun, plural truths [trooth z, troths]; the true or actual state of a matter; conformity with fact or reality (verity); a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like; the state or character of being true; actuality or actual existence; an obvious or accepted fact, truism, platitude*
02 The definition of History: -noun, plural –ries [his-tuh-ree, his-tree]: the branch of knowledge dealing with past events; a continuous, systematic narrative of past events as relating to a particular people, country, period, etc.; a drama representing historical events*
There has never been a published account of any ‘History’ of the NOA, and indeed, Angela herself has this to say on the subject:
“There is not, there never was, and there never will be, a History of the NOA.”
As it is stated in the NOA Bible 01, there can be no history in a universe of flux. There can be no truth in a systematic narrative of past events. Any history is therefore nothing more than a biased representation, organized into a dramatic narrative of supposed realities. Reality itself, or ‘actual’ reality, is a state of flux, and therefore cannot be represented from any point in time, or place, as something that has form. Angela regards other countries and nations ‘Histories’ as one might watch and be entertained by a mega-million Hollywood blockbuster movie. It might be entertaining, but more often than not it isn’t.
Again, in Angela’s words:
“The truth is of no real importance.”
The Nation of Angela exists. Everything is taking place Now. That is all that is important.
The Eternal Present, as defined by Angela:
“History is a disease, a species of consumption, manifesting itself in civilizations that, through excessive study and knowledge of the past, lose all creative capacity. All that there is, is Eternal Present, Creative Action, Flux, and a Future of Energy.”
Extreme historical awareness, it is argued on NOA, actually kills the desire in humans to create anything new, imposing a kind of paralysis by completely undermining confidence and efforts for the new. Paradoxically, over-awareness of history eliminates any capacity to “make” history, which is the capacity to elevate oneself above the process, deciding and believing in one’s own decision. The vision of perpetual flow nullifies any notion of history. When directionality and meaning are assigned to the flow, as in what civilizations often call their narrative histories, this renders individual decision pointless, indeed, it heightens devotion to fact, “servility vis-à-vis the dominant powers, submission to laws.” In Angela’s view there can be no fact, no truth, and therefore, no history is required.
“The NOA is the new breeding ground of a new radical unfashionable Fashion Now. Beauty, Sexual Ambiguity, and Freedom, intermingled with Thievery and Loitering are the new laws of the land. I do not call the Laws,” Angela says. “I call them suggestions.”
NOA slogans:
Everything that ever was is also here and now, forever.
The Forever changing NOA! The forever changing flux!
Some things are fabulous, and some things, are shit. NOA is #1!
Historians of the West and East alike continue to discuss the History, or No History, of the NOA. Of course, there is an obvious bias and conflict of interest within this debate, as, in a way, these historians are debating their own existences as having any relevance to society and civilization. A vote for No History of the NOA is comparable to the annihilation of the historian who so pronounces this conjecture.
One account, somewhat mysteriously composed and delivered in an anonymous e-mail (the composer of which is believed by some to have been Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., several weeks before his death on April, 11, 2007) is that NOA itself, and Angela in particular, bears a striking resemblance, in some ways, to one Angela Hoenikker, the fictional child of a character from Vonnegut’s novel “Cats Cradle.” The authenticity of this email document, as well as the authorship, continues to be argued, as there is no existing copy of the document on Earth. There are only notations made by those few who claim to have seen the strange email before it disappeared into the ether. Vonnegut, if we presume it was he, purportedly wrote, “Either Angela and the NOA is the living embodiment of something given birth to in my head, or it simply cannot exist as reported.”
Kurt Vonnegut died at the age of 84 on April 11, 2007, in Manhattan, New York after a fall at his Upper East Side Manhattan home several week prior resulted in irreversible brain injuries.
Following his death, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Comedy Central gave Vonnegut a small tribute frame before the closing credits with his own famous phrase on death… “So it goes.”
CHAPTER03. NOA Philosophy
“Demand loyalty” proclaims the posters adorning the beatific shores of the NOA, as well as the constant urgings of “Enjoy Vanilla Low-Fat Cakes.”
In the early days of the creation of the NOA one of Angela’s first proclamations was the institution of the cutting back of the glorification of individuality plan; the belief that individuality through fashion was a farce (thus the black white and red uniforms of the new originality of the Nation of Angela).
Be Different, Like Everybody Else
And the second of the twin proclamations reads: Uniqueness is a farce, but we are all very cool just the same.
Angela Is The Truth.
Falsehood Is All Else.
The Philosophy of the NOA: VERSES 01-07
What obliges Angela to participate in the fabulous world is also what separates her followers from it.
What brings together the liberated is also what keeps them apart.
What pushes for greater beauty is also what nourishes the irrationality of the NOA.
What creates society abstract power also creates Angela’s concrete power.
What creates the freedom of the NOA also creates the people’s disbelief in the NOA.
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You Can’t Fight What You Can’t See
You Can’t Be What You Can’t Be
Whatever You Sell
Sell It Well
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So says the Nation of Angela: Welcome to the NOA.
VERSES 08-17
These Verses kept and studied by the NOA Ministry of Suggestions and protected by the NOA Ministry of Protection from Contagious Thoughts
CHAPTER 04 AND 05 DO NOT EXIST. [As Of Today]
CHAPTER06. The Battle Of The NOA.
I laugh, and my laughter is not within me;
I burn, and my burning is not seen outside
Machiavelli
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NOA Army of anorexic nymphs, dressed in sleek black with gold engraved handbags; speed, diet pills and Valium; “Squint your eyes, darling, the whole thing is more sexy!” The NOA Army had to approach everything just right, like modern design; all white and metallic, modern; the NOA Hoplite troops, with their dainty white and silver shields, black pumps, spreading expensive suntan lotion and body creams on their thin arms, like spider legs; many had their roots and highlights done before the battle, and they all bristled with excitement.
In the days before the great siege of the NOA the citizens hung banners throughout NOA City. The banners did not vilify the great enemy that was the army of Army of Fat Elvis. “Trust Is Power,” the banners read, exemplifying the fundamental underlying belief that ran through the NOA ideology. And “Killing is Forever,” a statement of the obvious. The NOA Army trusted its generals, and therefore would follow them into battle anytime, anywhere, with strength greatly superior to their numbers.
The NOA had Valium, Clonopin, Xanax, and the coveted Vicaden; as well as powder cases filled with cocaine and crystal meth (which was produced and sold in the lounges of NOA most exclusive luxury seaside hotels*).
On the eve of battle, the NOA Army found itself critically outnumbered. In fact, the superiority of the LVS Army was absolutely overwhelming. Having recruited every vagabond renegade soldier of fortune in the known universe, and with an arsenal of modern weaponry unmatched in world history, the army of FAT ELVIS had every appearance of invincibility.
At the outset of the battle, NOA found itself surrounded. The Great Armies of FAT ELVIS were amassed primarily to the North of the Island in an armada of 100 warrior ships of sufficient size to float 1000 Fat Elvis warriors in each, of which, each battalion was composed (so NOA spies had learned) of 20 huge meaty-handed archers, 25 chariots with horses and fighters, and 45 well armored foot-soldiers. At the center of this armada were the two great warships of larger size, containing the FAT ELIVS Elite Guard regiments, the most deadly of their forces. To the East, West and South were smaller, yet quite formidable armies of similar divisions. NOA was surrounded, having not even the possibility to entertain the idea of escape.
Escape, however, was something the NOA generals knew they would not need. While the armies of FAT ELVIS prepared for their invasion, the NOA generals plotted a defense as yet unseen in the modern world.
The FAT LVS Army of obese pill-popping slurring drunkards; dressed to impress the ladies in gaudy Vegas pimp suits, raw bellies of fat hanging flopped over rhinestone-buckled belts> some of them so small as to resemble cherubs; fat red cheeky things, with feathered bows and arrows which they would gaily fling with hardly the slightest sense of direction; the LVS Army’s encampment resembled more of a Car Park Party, swilling beers and flipping juicy burgers over raging fires; drunkenly arm-wrestling (some naked wrestling) in feats of macho display; the LVS Army engaged in much slurred uneven babble-like bravado talk, braggarts before battle, but while actually in battle wearing an expression of absolute confusion; LVS Army training was basically a vigorous program of video-gaming, together with some live simulation; the LVS commanders favored the romantic and cruel warriors of the past as their template (Hannibal, Xerxes, for instance) though they knew nothing of cruelty and were prone to pout and even shed a cinematic tear at the slightest provocation; despite their ravaging drug addiction, they had big warm fluffy hearts and wouldn’t want to hurt a teddy bear; in fact, they sang of teddy bears, and all things romantic, “the strong get what they want, baby, and the weak suffer what the must darling, and won’t you be my little teddy, my lil teddy teddy bear” went one of their songs, though they knew little of real romance, and even less about sex. LVS encampments and war ships were littered with pornography of all description; and there was such an active entertainment program of dancing playmates (to lift morale) that the preparations for battle were delayed several weeks; Masturbation was practiced openly.
The BATTLE ITSELF:
The LVS Army, feeling overly confident, set out for the battleground; with them they brought large beer coolers, (inside of which held an array of drinks, condiments and sandwich meats) as well as large mixers; meant for mixing watermelon and strawberry daiquiris during and, more importantly, for the after-battle-party* Much of their armor was left behind on their long ships due to the fact that it was a warm day, and instead some even dressed down in Hawaiian shirts, open at the collar, evidence of serious sunburn already making itself visible along their necklines> They carried boom boxes blaring rock and roll music, with a special affinity for Bon Jovi’s “Living On A Prayer” and Jimmy Buffet songs. They sweat profusely, weighed down by all their liquor and lawn-chairs. Shuffling toward the battlefield they looked like a mass of miniature cows in gold glitter, tuxedo shirts and gaudy medallions.
The NOA Army, in contrast, marched towards battle to the sound of Classical Lite, and Yoga Trance music, Meditation chants blaring and mixing with the jingle of wind chimes. The Air smelled of Lilac and Chanel No 5. While the NOA commanders studied the art of ancient warfare, and debated, over cocktails, whether they should adopt the style of the ancient Greeks or Spartans, or perhaps Alexander the Great (who seemed very handsome in sculptures).
Deciding on Sparta (it seemed sexier, more warrior-like) the conversation quickly turned to how brilliant they all looked in their sleek uniforms;
The sides squared off on the battleground; LVS 110,000 strong compared (though these figures have been exaggerated at times*) to the NOA’s 12,000 (many NOA troops insisted they were still coming, running late)….
The NOA generals split their small NOA Army into four distinct regiments: The Sinister Forces (the front vanguard), The Secret Forces (the “development” forces, including all long weapons, and the archers) and The Abstract Forces (the military resources and infrastructure firmly in place). The purpose of these divisions was as follows. The Sinister Forces role would be one of provocation. The Secret Forces were all the heavy weaponry kept in the rear vanguard, and unknown by the enemy. The Abstract Forces were simply the last bastion, the rooted defense, the power of which was also little known by the enemy.
As the battle ensued, the strategy of the NOA Army became apparent.
First the NOA sent its Sinister Forces to the Western Front. This has become known as the In Your Face Offensive. Knowing they were massively outnumbered meant that what they sought was not a clear victory in battle. Instead the purpose of this pre-emptive strike was to tease the enemy, to inspire confidence and arrogance in the enemy, as well as to enrage them. By all appearances the strike, though deadly, seemed to the enemy to be very weak. After thirty minutes of limited engagement, the NOA Army retreated. This intentional display of poor military prowess served its purpose: The Army of Fat Elvis was enraged. The beating of drums and smoke fires lit up the horizon in all directions. NOA had succeeded in seducing the enemy to attack despite the fact that its preparations were not completed, their drunken bravado not yet sobered. With the NOA Sinister Forces returned to the line (with minimal loses due to the surprise nature of the attack) the Army of Fat Elvis moved rapidly and launched its first wave offensive.
What ensued was a battle of carnage along the lines of the great Battle of Poitiers (featuring the famous power of the Frankish ‘mass of ice,” the wall of tough mailed spearmen who broke the repeated mounted attacks of Islamic horsemen), or Lepanto (a favorite topic of historians and European illustrators; eyewitness accounts provide lurid descriptions of robed survivors clinging to the flotsam of wrecked galleys before sinking beneath the waves or being harpooned by Christian pikemen.)
In this case, however, the ‘mass of ice’ was more of a cloud of crack smoke, which hovered over the LVS lines in a thick fog.
This first attack wave of the FAT ELVS Army is now known as the Wave of Aggression. As the enraged invading troops closed in on the NOA lines, the NOA unleashed a brutal defense via the use of its Secret Forces. Burning Fat Elvis effigies in the morning light, brutally tipping over beer coolers, the LVS troops did not even breach NOA lines, but instead were repelled under an onslaught of flaming arrows and balls of fire. The Army of Fat Elvis was forced to regroup. But such was the power of their arrogance (reinforced by their clear superiority of weaponry and numbers) that their vitriol was only slightly diminished. Thus comes the NOA adage: “Let nothing seduce you, let nothing anger you.”
The Army of Fat Elvis launched its second wave of attack very quickly thereafter. This second wave, known as the Wave of Vanity, was also repelled by the NOA, and this time with even heavier LVS Army losses. Several key command officers were captured and later paraded naked around NOA City. This second wave, a pure act of childish arrogance, was doomed to failure by its very nature. Thus another NOA adage: “Let nothing induce arrogance, complacency and over confidence. Evade them, lure them to tire them.” The Fat Elvis commanders paid dearly for their lack of respect for the small but effective NOA defenses. Again, they retreated.
Having thus been repelled twice, the Army of Fat Elvis set itself upon a different tactic for its third offensive, which has come to be called the Wave of Terror. Having failed thus far in open battle, out of frustration and growing anger the Army of Fat Elvis unleashed a campaign designed to instill terror. Night strikes on civilian NOA City centers. This offensive lasted several months and yet was also repelled, in large part by the deployment of NOA Army’s Abstract Forces.
Deeply frustrated, the commanders of the Army of Fat Elvis were now also beginning to face low morale among their troops. Their strategies were not working. Their Army began to suffer mutinies. Renegade commanders broke allegiance and went AWOL, partying in clusters on the beach, wearing tropical shirts of questionable taste unbuttoned to the waist. In answer to this new threat, which was in essence inside the ranks, the Army of Fat Elvis launched its fourth wave of offensive. This wave has come to be known as the Wave of Misinformation, as it was essentially an offensive meant to solidify the strength of the invaders, and had no clear strategy for victory. Again, and most brutally, this wave was expelled from NOA, and at a great loss of life to the invading armies.
After the Wave of Misinformation, the Army of Fat Elvis should have, for all intents and purposes, realized the futility of their efforts. Yet their commanders had succeeded in their aim of demoralizing their own troops into submission by the use of falsehoods and lies about the campaign. The troops of their armies, however, were in a state of despair. Having lost the will to fight, and with only the fear of reprisal to push them forward, desertion among the ranks threatened to become epidemic; the pills were running out, crack was becoming scarce, and the troops came to near riots over the small amounts of Vicaden available to assuage their endless pain and despair at what they had begun calling ‘the unfairness of it all.”
The final wave, the Wave of Despair was the fifth and last mounted by the fraying Army of Fat Elvis. Like a petulant child with great toys of destruction, this was the final tantrum. The demoralized troops of the Army of Fat Elvis, fattened by rich foods and laziness, drug addiction and one-too-many watermelon daiquiri’s, gathered themselves in final preparation: The LVS Army, which by some reports had swelled to over a million men (though is likely a greatly exaggerated figure, the number was more like 120,000) poised themselves to strike.
With great skill the NOA commanders had planned the outcome of this final strike. With NOA troops in two formations, the long spears making up the front lines. The LVS Army stretched its width as wide as possible, with the intention of breaking the NOA ranks on the right or left flanks, and thereby surrounding the NOA forces from the rear. The NOA strategy was to draw them out in precisely this way. As the sides clashed, the Army of LVS would weaken in the center (as they stretched to the limit) and it was precisely at this moment, and not a moment later, that the NOA generals commanded a strike to the front lines, utilizing Elite troops, and some of their most skilled pike women. It is hard to envision the force here; one must imagine a wall of 12-foot spears coming fast, and held back more by the mutilated corpses of LVS warriors than much else. LVS troops would have had to fight their way through this storm of pikes to even reach the NOA front attack lines. The NOA penetrated the overly spread LVS front line; and breached them, splitting the great LVS Army into to halves; through this gap raced the NOA cavalry, surrounding the LVS halves, separated into killing grounds. The LVS losses were massive. *
*Set at approximately 50,000 losses, in eight hours of intense fighting, one must imagine 600 casualties a minute on the open battlefield. An LVS trooper would be felled by perhaps 3 to 4 pikes bearing down on his flesh all at once, or one sharp crushing stab to the face (as the NOA troops had been trained to execute with lethal speed)).
This final clash, the ultimate engagement of the two enemy lines, came to resemble an orgiastic cocktail party gone wild; The drug-induced reality of the situation had by now greatly impaired thinking on both sides; there were initial fatalities (LVS cherubs assailing NOA soldiers with their spears, but then, weeping for their mothers openly at the sight of the blood), while NOA Army troops initially harpooned several LVS soldiers with their talon-like spears, however they quickly lost interest in the unwieldy weapons, and took to vigorous slapping of the faces of their enemies, who in turn, apologized with such profusion that they were further slapped and began to cry; This initial explosion of attack lasted no more than 8 hours; after which point both sides were exhausted from the physicality, the excess drugs in their systems, the carnage, and had found their mood greatly altered; A good half of the LVS Army retreated to the beach line, complaining of wounds, wailing like babies for medication (some “wounds” were as light as scratches from the taloned fingers of NOA fighters.) “I don’t care if it doesn’t look that bad, I’m telling you up my dosage! I need something for the pain!” they complained. The LVS medics were quickly running out of the last of the morphine, and all forms of painkillers.
The NOAns, for their part, were quite pleased with the clash, so coked up and high that the reality of what had happened remained as far away from their minds as Pluto; they lingered and gossiped on the battlefield and laughed openly at the LVS retreat>>>
Slowly, as dusk fell, the battlefield came to resemble a massive aperitif party (apart from the littered rotting corpses); some LVS army fighters openly broke ranks and began serving the NOAns cocktails, and rolling them joints. Mini-mirrors glimmered in the last rays of the setting sun, as the fighters from both sides began sharing lines of crystal meth>>> Ecstasy was being passed around, to the fortunate lucky few who could get their hands on it.
The horror of what happened next is a true affront to military history:
They started to mingle openly.
By dawn they’d broken off into large and small groups, some talking and laughing outrageously, others seeming in deep conversation> Open “heart-to-heart” discussions were breaking out everywhere; a mass of drug-induced denial, denial of everything, anything: Some were claiming that there hadn’t been a battle at all, that the corpses strewn on the field were a beautiful illusion. One eyewitness reported overhearing a NOA fighter and a LVS cherub sitting, locked in a deep trance-like conversation, the cherub saying “You know, I think it all comes down to body image. I’ve never felt attractive, to anyone,”
“But you are attractive, deep inside” said the NOAN, extending her hands. “Here, touch my hands. Can you feel that? The energy?”
“I’ve never felt anything so beautiful,” said the cherub. “My own skin feels… soft, strange…pretty…”
From clash, to ecstatic party, the battle moved to resemble an open orgy of flesh: NOA Army troops examining and discussing their waistlines, breast cup sizes; LVS Army commanders openly comparing penis sizes; the smell of sex, and blood, hung heavy, pungent in the air.
Toward dawn, a massive drug deal was made; the LVS troops desperate for Percocet, Vicaden, and Morphine, anything for the PAIN. The pain of existence, the pain that was just there, they explained. And the NOA troops were impressed with the quality of the LVS Army crystal meth, which kept them awake and humming, chatting and slumbering on each other like Cheshire cats for hours on end.
Promises were made during the marathon party-battle, resolutions, to become more spiritual beings. The LVS soldiers plainly weeping, feeling emotionally more in touch with themselves than they could ever remember. The NOA Army, for it’s part, felt they’d done an excellent job and it had been an excellent “party battle-thingy.” They went back to NOA city and stayed up several more days, talking and gossiping about it, about where they were when the fighting broke out, about how touched they were when one of the chubby little LVS cherubs bashfully offered them a daiquiri> Then, in a great Valium induced swoon, they slept for several days, rising only to take diet pills.
The corpses lay rotting on the battlefield, forgotten heroes, and were eventually consumed in large part by vultures and the growing exotic bird population of the island of NOA.
The carnage of beauty: Like a beautiful beach itself, which upon casual appearance seems a place of utter tranquility and peace, is actually revealed as a battlefield of extreme carnality upon closer observation. As the tides swell in and out, all forms of crustaceans are left trying to get back into the water, being struck upon by carnivorous birds, crushing their armored bodies and greedily consuming their flesh in their beaks. The beautiful paradise beach, a battleground of littered corpses upon closer look. Such is the way of nature: Consume, or be consumed.
Thus the tiny, yet fashionable, NOA Army succeeded in repelling the largest army ever assembled on the planet. Using psychological and emotional tactics to great effect, with an eye to all the great military strategies (the so called One Hundred Strategies) taught through the ages, they were able to topple a seemingly invincible army.
CHAPTER07. Angela and Elvis.
What is commonly known?
Elvis P, bored with his confined existence in Graceland, left home on his own for the first time since he was 21 and arrives in California*. There an antiwar activist (aka “Hippie”**) convinces him that he is responsible for the drug culture through his influence on The Beatles. This convinced Elvis P to write a letter to President Richard Nixon asking to me made a Federal Agent at large for the BNDD***. Such a thing turns out not to exist, but Nixon, desperately wanting to win over the youth of America, which he views as hating him (*See, “The Pleasure of Hating” Hazelitt) decides to meet with Elvis in an attempt to improve his image with the “kids.”
Elvis met Nixon on December 21, 1970, gave him a Colt 45 revolver, and met with some of Nixon’s staff members in the Oval Office, He was “sworn in” an “imaginary” agent for the BNDD, and signed official documents. Elvis P’s “Reports from the Field” which he sent to top BNDD officials, in handwritten form, mostly on hotel stationary, have remained Classified Top Secret to this day. Some claim the reports are still being deciphered. Some claim they do not, nor did ever, exist.
What is less commonly known?
Elvis P, suspecting his “reports” were not being followed up on, grew disillusioned with the BNDD and sought to make himself useful. Elvis, in an obese state, clogged with barbiturates, wearing body armor, and heavily armed, boarded a NOA Airlines flight on January 6, 1976 and was not officially heard from again until the publication of his dubious obituary, which appeared in the Washington Post on August 17, 1977****. As he is presumed dead, his whereabouts since have not been widely reported.
NOA officials do not claim that Elvis P (or “Fat Elvis” as he was commonly known on the island) is currently alive. However, reports of his “activities” between Jan 6, 1976 and August 17, 1977 were at one time circulated widely among NOA citizens. Fat Elvis’ obituary has been analyzed and psychoanalyzed extensively on the island, including some perplexing “counter-intelligence” especially in regards to his supposed “severely irregular heartbeat” (an idea that is dismissed by most NOA scientists, who believe, simply, that all heartbeats are extremely “irregular”). However, there has been no dispute regarding Fat Elvis’ “gastrointestinal problems” as being manufactured by the Western media.
What is legend, and legacy?
Fat Elvis arrived on NOA January 6, 1976. As all foreign dignitaries, he was given the full NOA welcome. It is said that upon his first sighting of the island of NOA he said:
“Man, I’m wiggin out, I got dibs on this place! Reminds of my movie set for Live A Little, Love A Little!” When Fat Elvis met Angela for the first time, he fell hopelessly in love with the dictator. This love, however, was initially unrequited. A long struggle, or what on NOA has become known as the War of Fat Elvis ensued and lasted until his supposed disappearance from the island on August 16, 1977.
On the NOA there are officially two kinds of love: The first being “Actual Love” and the second being “Narcissistic Love.” Fat Elvis’ devotion to Angela fell squarely inbetween these two types. Firstly, he saw in Angela a slimmer, far sexier, version of his own mother, and was smitten by the need to be coddled by her, to call he Mama. Fat Elvis delighted in Angela diplomatic baby talk, and he wrote her “Top Secret Diplomatic Love Letters” in his own childish hand, baby-talk style. On the other hand, Fat Elvis’ devotion to Angela was of a narcissistic nature. He desired to be by Angela side not only out of love, but also for the sensation that being by her side made him feel, which was, essentially, invincible, important, a man of great stature in society. Fat Elvis was, in this way, in love with the mirror image he saw of himself through Angela. As nothing Fat Elvis devoted more than a year on courting Angela, but could do would sway her affections. Fat Elvis then amassed an army and waged a campaign of war (documented elsewhere). In short, The Battle for the NOA, which took place on August 16, 1977, waged between the NOA Army (aka Army of Me) and the Fat Elvis Army, lasted a full weekend and devolved rapidly from a bloodlust struggle into a sort of drug-fueled orgy. It is said that during this struggle, Angela saw something in Fat Elvis, indeed, felt a sort of love for him. However, whether because this “fleeting moment” was partially induced by barbiturates and Ecstasy, or instead was simple fling, the “Post War” period was rough for Fat Elvis. What has become commonly known as The Night Of Love, between Angela and Elvis had profound, and indeed in some cases inexplicable, consequences on the island and its people. For one moment, Fat Elvis wrote, in his baby talk handwritten diary, he felt at “one with his love and the universe, only to be thrown back out into the cruel world.”
It is believed, by many, that this Night Of Love transformed life on the island. The air, it is believed, was changed forever. The next morning, and thereafter, strange hybrid mutations in the island wildlife were reported and became evermore widespread. The people of the NOA believe that this Night of Love gave birth to what is known as the Immortal DNA Strand, which reconfigured and continues to evolve within the island species: Animals ceased to die, it has been reported.
(Hugh) John Cairns, a noted British Biochemist, visited the island a year after the Battle, to study the strange phenomenon. Cairns’ theory, which is still debated widely in scientific journals of note to this day, proposed that on the NOA adult stem cells, instead of segregating their DNA strands during mitosis in a random manner, as is commonly found, had begun to divide their DNA asymmetrically, retaining a distinct template set of DNA strands (parental strands) in each division. By retaining the same set of template DNA strands, adult stem cells pass on mutations arising from errors in DNA replication, but somehow these errors were serving to enhance the life on the island, rather than give rise to dangerous negative mutations. Specifically in the area of life expectancy, changes were being seen on the NOA that were unexplainable. Cairns claim that this would evolve into Immortal DNA is still being debated. However, in many ways it cannot be debated that Angela and Fat Elvis’ Night of Love changed life in the NOA forever. The tides reversed direction, and the seasonal winds changed course. Birds that once sang pretty songs ceased to sing and giggled instead. Not one blade of grass or one sago plant seemed to die thereafter; such is the profound effect of the Immortal Strand. The islands temperature rose, on average, .4 degrees Celsius per year for ten years. Strange hybrid animals evolved rapidly, while in other, particularly amphibious creatures, unexplainable shifts occurred: The common “melancholy fish” (silver-backed, black-finned, and known to short flight only on Fridays) fused genders and became the first known transsexual species on earth.
Some of the NOA believe that Fat Elvis did return to Graceland in Memphis, USA that next infamous day, of August 17, 1977. Others claim that he banished himself to a remote location upon the largely uninhabitable Monolith 01 where he gorged himself on sorrows and fatty foods, and drugs. Occasionally, to this day, some there are “Fat Elvis sighting” on the NOA. Most report that he says little, dresses in baby clothes, indeed often diapers, and speaks incoherently in sentences like: “I got the digs, man, the drags. I’m loaded, man, I’m blitzed. It’s all cuz of that nifty Angela.” Apparently lonely, when sighted he apparently also asks random passerby, “You’re not coming to my orgy, are you? I just knows yer not!” And he wanders off again.
Could it have been a modern day Romeo and Juliet but instead of the suicide, mutual isolation?
Most on NOA believe that Angela’s devotion rests solely with the NOA, other feel that she too, in some sense, is saddened by something, something inexplicable, yet she maintains, living up to the great mission of the preservation of the NOA.
Notes:
*California, The State of…. Was a state located in the Western Pacific region of the United States. The State was the 31st admitted to the Union and ranked as the most populous. It was bordered by Oregon, to the North, and Nevada, to the East, and Arizona to the southeast in the USA. California’s capital city was Sacramento, with its four largest cities being Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose, and San Francisco. California was known for its diverse climate, as well as ethnically diverse population. The state had 58 counties.
**Antiwar activist slang terminology
Kipe- Steal
Loaded- Intoxicated
Nifty- “cool”
Hook- Steal
Wiggin Out – going crazy
Rags – clothes
“The Digs” – The Drags
Meat – as in, “Hey Meat”; a jock term for guy, man.
Dibs – most always used with “got”. Example “I got dibs” on that…
Blitzed – drunk
Easy- another way of saying goodbye. Example, “Easy, man.”
A Gas – A lot of Fun
***BNDD aka Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs was a predecessor of the Drug Enforcement Administration. It was formed as a subsidiary to the United States Department of Justice in 1968, combing the Bureau of Narcotics (under the United States Department of the Treasury) and the Bureau of Drug Abuse Control (under the United States Department of Health, Education and Welfare’s Food and Drug Administration) into one agency,
In 1971 the BNDD was composed of 1,500 agents and had a budget of some $43 million (which was then 14 times the size of the budget of the Bureau of Narcotics)
In January 1971 the CIA director Richard Helms implemented a program of ‘covert recruitment and security clearance support to BNDD’ on requests of the BNDD’s director Robert Ingersoll. The later suspected largely spread-out corruption among agents, and requested in December 1970 the CIA’s assistance rooting it out.
In 1973, it was merged into the newly created Drug Enforcement Administration.
**** Elvis P Obituary (see Appendix 01 for one NOA scientists evaluation and analysis of this document.
General Research notes:
ELVIS P tropical filmography>
“Blue Hawaii” “simply the best” – NOA Times
“Clambake” “do the clam!”
“Follow That Dream” – Elvis parades around in cut off jeans for most of this Florida love romp
“Fun in Acapulco” – Mexican-set, holiday adventure
“Live A Little, Love A Little” - Love, Malibu-style
Barbiturates
Drugs that often create “unpredictable emotional reactions and mental confusion” such as Phenobarbital.
Supplanted in modern day by benzodiazepines>>>
BY SOPHIE TOULOUSE
TEXT BY SCOTT MCCLOUD
NATION OF ANGELA WRITINGS. VISUALS. MUSIC. ANIMATIONS. EXHIBITS BACK